35 years old, 0 pregnancies (gained 10 inches after sexual assault)

072409a

072409b

2 Comments

Filed under 0 babies, 0 pregnancies, Born in the 1970's, Warrior

2 responses to “35 years old, 0 pregnancies (gained 10 inches after sexual assault)

  1. This is my belly. My tender, solid, strong, jelly-belly. When I was young, I converted, and being so very strong in the belief that God existed, and loved me, and that there was a different life than the one I had lived in (if you’ve been there, you understand); I took informal vows. I wanted to live the life God wanted me to live, but I hoped that would include a family, a home I could open to be a safe place for others, I wanted life, and I believed there was a way to do that. So I lived celibate until I was 32. My neighbor decided that I was what he wanted, and raped me. He said that I was lying, “All women say that they’re virgins, so they don’t feel bad.” He never hit me, only pinned me, and didn’t take no for an answer. I was confused. I finally got out, and spent the next few years punishing myself and going through severe shock and PTSD. In that time, my whole body changed, and I HATED it. HATED it. Hated it. The local women’s shelter came to work to do a presentation on domestic violence, and while even my doctor said that if I wanted out, I would have fought harder, they gave me permission for the first time to think that it was indeed rape. Not something wrong with the way I argued, the way I fought, when I caved, what I tried, (my doctor said it was because my teeth weren’t straight, that no one accepted a sense of authority from me. Nuts, right?) …that it was a decision someone else made, and that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve it. You may never be able to fight hard enough, but that shouldn’t be your job. You may have trusted, but that isn’t either stupidity or a crime. People take chances on others every day. What’s wrong is to use trust. Anyway, my body was seriously hurting, and I went from a 24″ waist to a 34″ waist. Partly on purpose, and partly automatically, my body’s effort to feel more solid, less vulnerable, to protect my inside. Technically, I’m now obese. I carry it well. 🙂 Each day brings its own challenges, but I am sharing my belly with you all to honor its courage in standing up and facing each day. Dropping both vanity and sorrow, and learning to live again. Wish me luck, all.

  2. Kate

    I just read this post and had to respond. I am so sorry to hear what you went through and happy to hear that you are on the road to recovery. I was raped when I was 16, and 15 years later I can still feel that one night reverberating though my life.

    In the years right after my assault, I had such a hard time understanding and liking my own body. It might sound crazy, but I felt like my body had betrayed me. And I just wanted to get away from it. I gained weight. I became promiscuous. I felt like I was trying to punish my own body; to teach it that nothing that happened to my body could hurt me and that somehow that would make my rape not hurt. It took a lot of years and pain for me to start to like myself again, to start trusting my body.

    And even after awhile I was able to create stable, loving relationships with other people who liked me and my body too. I hope each day gets easier. I hope each day you get stronger. And I hope you love yourself. Congratulations on being so brave to post your belly.

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